Miss You, Dad

I always was a Daddy’s Girl.

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Hard to believe it’s been 18 years since my Dad took his own life. At the Catholic Church. On All Saint’s Day.

The adult in me understands that he likely suffered from bipolar disorder, and that he was in a very dark place. The adult in me sees that he did the best he could with what he had.

Tent camping in British Columbia, 1973

My Dad passed on his love of camping, despite being a City Boy himself.


But the little girl in me? She misses her Daddy. Who never met my husband. Who never saw me knit or make hats. Who never saw me play hockey (and I know he would have loved to see that!)

Suicide sucks. And I miss my Dad.

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10 thoughts on “Miss You, Dad

  1. Your story is a sad reminder of how our life is not JUST for ourself. I’m sure your Dad would make a different decision now, if he had the chance and I know that doesn’t fix anything, but I hope it helps you.

    OH! I was a daddy’s girl too! My Dad died – from disease- 22 years ago and although he was in such pain he wished himself dead every day; i like to think that if he had the chance to see and live the treasures I have here and now, he would want his physicality back. For me the bottom line remains – that death is a transition to another realm , and the departed still are aware of here, of us, our lives – the challenge is that we who are stuck here cannot know as easily what joy they have in living side by side with us. It takes careful listening in the still of the night…shhhhh…and sweet dreams CareBear.

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  2. Carrie, Hugs and love for you. My dad has been gone over half my life as well. He died (cancer) when I was so young, as did my mom, a year after him (cancer too). When I turned 50 in September it was an odd milestone for me in that I am now older then they both were when they died. I wonder often how my life would be different had they lived, and what our adult relationships would have been like.

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    • Oh, Tracy. I didn’t know that about you. Losing both your parents so close in time and when you were so young, I can only guess how hard that must have been.

      The inability to share my grown up self with him makes me sad, but also all the things I never thought to ask him. And now that Mom is gone, too, who guards the memories of my childhood?

      I’m so glad I’ve got my brothers. And friends. Thank you.

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  3. These pictures are wonderful, and I’m so saddened to hear your dad’s story. It’s a familiar one to me, as my father committed suicide in 1984. He had been diagnosed as manic-depressive (aka bipolar) and had been in and out of treatment in his adult life. One of the last memories I have of him was in 1977, I was 6 and we were trying to check him in to a treatment facility. He broke free from the orderlies and ran away. I remember seeing him sprint across the parking lot and into the woods. We didn’t see him for weeks after that, and not long after his return, my parents separated permanently. I think a lot about how much of my life he missed, first due to his illness, and then due to his premature death. I comfort myself and absolve him for the pain he caused me by reminding myself that the anguish of untreated severe mental illness must be as unbearable to the sufferer as their suicide is to us survivors. Hugs to you.

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    • Wow, Helina. Powerful images of such a painful time. Thank you for sharing them.

      My Dad used alcohol to moderate his moods and was never officially diagnosed as manic-depressive, but I have little doubt he was afflicted by the disorder.

      Like you, I feel empathy for the dark, lonely & painful place my Dad must have been in to do what he did. My anger has been for my loss, not for his choice.

      Hugs right back to you!

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  4. Carrie, this is Luanne from dontwelookalike.com (and writersite.org). What a sad and beautiful post in memory of your dad. What a loss to you and the world. xo

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  5. Oh my goodness. I had no idea. I am so sorry 😦 What a wonderful photo. Your Dad looked so stylish, and I love how he’s holding your arm (you are so cute …). Oy 😦

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    • Thanks so much, Harriet.

      My Dad worked as a salesman for Kinney Shoes at this point in our lives & was VERY hip & stylish!

      He & I were very close. My Mom always wanted a girly-girl, but my Dad delighted in having a tomboy daughter.

      I sure miss him.

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